The Hollow Queen
by Sagebush
Summary: Contains spoilers for Season 5. Glimpses into the character's minds during the episode The Hollow Queen. Chapter 4: Of all the fake excuses Gwen had to give Arthur, it had to be that Merlin was seeing a girl - something that brings back the memories of Freya that he's been trying to hold back for years. Tag to 5x08.
1. Deadlines and Commitments

**_WARNING: This fiction contains SPOILERS for Season 5._  
**

**Tag:** 5x08 - The Hollow Queen

**An: **After watching this week's amazing episode, I had to write something. Somehow, this came out. Be warned; no beta and no editing. It's probably quite rough. However, I was quite inspired by this episode, so there might be a couple more - be on the lookout. Anyway, please read and review - I love to hear your thoughts.

**Note: **The story was accidentally repeated. It's been fixed now.

* * *

This was a nightmare. A girl? Did Arthur seriously think he'd spent that past two days with a girl?

"So," Arthur continued, amusement twinkling in his eyes, "maybe you can tell us all about it."

Merlin knew it wasn't a request. It was a barely disguised order. He glanced quickly at Arthur, just to make sure he was serious, then stopped pouring the wine. "Right," he said, walking over to Gwen and filling her raised goblet with the crimson liquid.

How could this ever have happened? Gwen used to be so kind, so sweet. If anyone had told him even a couple of weeks ago that she would be trying to kill Arthur, he would have laughed and shaken his head. "Gwen?" he'd have asked. "Nah, never. Not an evil bone in her body."

But the evidence spoke for itself, including the way she was smiling at him now, the humour not reaching her eyes; their chocolate depths held his gaze with a clear warning. The last time someone had looked at him like that was when it was Morgana sitting in that seat, a smirk always hiding behind a smile as she silently laughed at them for being the fools that they were, as if she would _ever_ be on their side.

He could still feel the poison running through his veins. It had mostly gone now, thanks to Daegal, but it would be a long time until he forgot the icy hold of death as it had drawn nearer, the pain consuming his whole being.

"And why you're walking with a limp," Arthur added, taking a sip of wine.

Merlin cursed silently. Of all the times for Arthur to notice something wrong with him, it had to be now? How was he going to explain that one away? Merlin pulled the jug away and Gwen tilted her head, her eyes never leaving his.

Traitor. Friend. Queen. Servant.

And that was when he knew; there had to be some way he could get the old Gwen back. He had known her for nine years - there was no way she could change so completely this quickly. Morgana had taken a whole year.

_For Arthur,_ he promised himself. _I will get Gwen back or die trying, because if Arthur knew the truth, it would destroy him._

_And also for me_, he added as an afterthought. _Because if I don't, I think it'll destroy me too._


	2. Poison

_******WARNING: This fiction contains spoilers for Season 5.**_

**Tag: **5x08 - The Hollow Queen.

**An: **Yes, I'm back for more - I did warn you. I couldn't decide at first whether to write this in the present tense or the past tense, but in the end I went for latter because I kept slipping into it by accident. This chapter's 'glimpse' is focused on Merlin's moments as the poison spreads through his body and death seems certain. It might have a second part. We'll see. Also, once again, this is unbetaed and mostly unedited. Pleas forgive me for my mistakes.

Anyway, as always, please read and review - but, important of all, please enjoy.

* * *

The pain was some of the worst that Merlin had ever felt. It consumed his whole body, flaring with every heartbeat as the same organ that kept him alive continued to kill him.* The foreign liquid was like ice in his veins but he was powerless to stop it as it spread throughout his body.

He had been poisoned once before. It was eight years ago now, and to be honest, he couldn't really remember much about it apart from Nimueh's trickery and Gwen kissing him. Just another injury in his life of protecting Arthur, the king prat. And now he was here again, apart from this time, he was very much awake for his ordeal and there was certainly no Arthur coming to rescue him.

Tha-thump. Tha-thump.

Merlin's heart had long since quieted from the frantic beat it had set after he'd discovered Daegal's bretayal, even going so far as to now be slower than perhaps it should be.

It was ironic really, that he'd set up his own murder so perfectly. Daegal had come to see him late at night, unseen by anybody. Merlin, like the blind fool he'd been, had accepted his story without questioning it. Oh, yes, he'd refused at first, but he'd caved soon enough. Even Gaius, the man who was now covering for him, didn't know the boy's name or what he looked like.

Now Arthur probably thought he was picking herbs - wait, no, at the tavern - and even Gaius wouldn't worry for a few more hours.

Tha-thump … tha-thump.

Death was drawing closer. Its icy clutches already had a hold on him. It wouldn't be long now.

Merlin's thoughts turned to Gwen, the traitorous queen who was yet another name on his list of failures, right below Morgana. He hoped that Gaius would tell Arthur, someone, anyone about her betrayal so that they could be on the look out for more murder attempts that Merlin would never get to stop. Maybe they would even manage to convince her to come back to her friends, to the people that loved her - to fix the things that he would never get a chance to.

Tha…thump … tha…thump.

His body was no longer obeying his commands. At some point, his eyes had closed and Merlin found himself wishing for one last glimpse of the world he was soon to depart.

So much for his destiny.

Maybe he could add that to his list of failures.

Tha…thump.

_So long Arthur. I'm sorry._

Tha…

* * *

*In case this wasn't clear, I was referring to how his heart was pumping blood around his veins and spreading the poison.


	3. To Know That You're Alive

**_Warning: This fiction contains spoilers for Season 5._**

**Tag: 5x08 - The Hollow Queen  
**

**An:** And another one. Are you as impressed as me with how fast I'm churning theses out? Mind you, I can't say how good they are. Thanks for all of your encouraging comments. I'll try and respond to your reviews at some point, I just need to get this Welsh assignment out of the way. Anyway, all the usual stuff; no beta and no editing. Please enjoy and please review. I care about what you think.

* * *

The water was like a slap to the face. Most of it missed his mouth completely and trickled down his cheeks soothingly, although that could well have been the point.

Slowly, Merlin opened his eyes and caught sight of Daegal. His stomach clenched but he could do nothing to show his disgust, not when he could barely move. He struggled to control his mouth for a moment, then said, "You. You came back. Why?"

Another wave of pain hit, radiating throughout his whole body, so painful that he almost missed the boy's reply.

"I couldn't leave you to die."

"Too late."

Merlin swallowed down the bile in his throat. He knew of the poison Morgana had used, had heard Gaius speak of it. It acted fast and was immensely painful. Its victims could never save themselves because it was so painful and effective at immobilising them.

"No." Daegal shook his head. "I can help. You're a physician, you tell me what to do."

"There is _noth_ing you can do," Merlin hissed, straining his neck.

"There must be a cure. Tell me the herbs and I'll find them."

Guilt was written over the boy's face. Merlin knew what that felt like; he would never forget poisoning Morgana, and even though Daegal hadn't actually given him the poison, he'd led him here. Daegal was as much to blame as anyone else.

Merlin concentrated on breathing and ignored him.

"Come on, what do we need?" Daegal insisted. His eyes were shining with extra moisture. His voice was beginning to crack.

Merlin wondered if it was worth this. Why was he refusing to help himself? What was the worse that could happen - death? That was inevitable anyway.

"Rue," he said hoarsely. "It's got yellow flowers-"

"And feathery leaves." Daegal nodded in recognition.

"Millfoil*. Ground into a tincture."

Daegal hurried of as fast as he could to find the herbs Merlin had mentioned and the latter rested his head on the rock where he had landed, exhausted. He had underestimated just how much energy talking would use.

"Hurry," he whispered to no one. The poison wouldn't take much longer to complete its task.

He closed his eyes. Right now, there was nothing he could do but wait.

.

It could have been an age later when Daegal returned for all Merlin knew. It was getting harder and harder to breathe and he concentrated simply on the one task.

In. Out. In Out.

Then Daegal was holding his head in one hard and raising a cup made out of leaves to his lips with the other. Merlin drank what little he could, forcing it away when his stomach started to rebel and he started to cough. Daegal hurriedly offered his water skin but Merlin pushed that away too. If there was any chance for him to survive, then he couldn't let anything interfere with the antidote.

It would be painful, he knew. Gaius had explained this part in detail, telling him how most victims of the poison were given the antidote but couldn't survive it.

Merlin hesitated, then grabbed Daegal's hand and held it to his chest. No matter who his company was, he didn't want to go through this alone. And if he was to die… well, he didn't want to do that alone either. It was just a shame it wasn't Arthur by his side.

Without warning, his body started to convulse. He was shaking all over the place but at the same time, he couldn't control it. His legs jerked, his jaw clenched. He was powerless.

The pain followed shortly after and if Merlin could have screamed, he would. His hips lifted off the ground completely in a movement completely against his own will, and oh god, why couldn't he speak, why couldn't he move, why wasn't anyone helping?

Briefly, he saw Daegal looking down at him, eyes wide and looking terrified. His hand was still on Merlin's chest.

You're not alone, he told himself. Come on, Merlin, you're not alone.

The pain spiked, worse than ever as if someone had placed a branding iron on his skin. It was the worst pain he had ever felt and it wasn't stopping. Honest to god, Earth shattering pain, and, oh god, he was going to die because there was no way any human could survive this.

He passed out.

.

The first thing Merlin noticed when he woke was that it was dark. He raised his head slightly and peered around, noting in wonder how his body was responsive to his will and how it barely even hurt.

"You're alive," Daegal said in amazement, the relief evident in his tone.

Merlin raised a hand to his forehead in disbelief. Because the boy was right and for a moment, he didn't care about the betrayal or Gwen's alliance with Morgana or how at that very moment the witch was probably thinking up a new plan to kill Arthur.

Merlin was alive, and for a single moment, that was all that mattered.

* * *

*I couldn't quite hear what herb Merlin said, so I wrote it down as closely as I could.


	4. Hope and Memory

**_Warning: contains spoilers for Season 5._**

**Tag:** 5x08 - The Hollow Queen

**An:** Here is yet another one. I think I'm going to stop after tomorrow, when the next episode airs. Maybe I'll write a few for that episode. Anyway, this is a full on one shot. It starts a bit abruptly, but hopefully it's all right after that, although, as always; no beta and no editing.

It's also** slightly AU.**

Please enjoy!

* * *

"So," Arthur continued, amusement twinkling in his eyes, "maybe you can tell us all about it."

No, Merlin thought frantically, his eyes darting over to Gwen. She was smiling at him pointedly, the hidden meaning perfectly clear to him. Don't tell anyone about Morgana and the poisoning. Don't tell anyone about _me_. He didn't care.

Honest to God, he didn't care, because she'd told Arthur he was seeing a _girl _and it was bringing back memories that he'd tried to hold back for years, breaking down the walls that he'd set up just so he could continue life without breaking down. He swallowed past a dry throat and blinked to hide the moisture in his eyes, reluctantly moving over to Gwen and pouring her some wine.

"And why you're walking with a limp," Arthur added, a look of concern flashing over his face.

"It - it's nothing."

"No, _Mer_lin, it's not nothing. What did you do - fall down the stairs again?"

Merlin placed the wine jug down quickly in case it betrayed his shaking hands. "Yes. That's exactly what I did. I was carrying your armour and I fell down the stairs." He said it in a matter of fact tone and he saw Arthur's eyes narrow in disbelief but a warning look from Gwen made him drop the subject.

If only Arthur knew the real reason for Gwen's reluctance to continue the topic, Merlin thought bitterly.

"And what about the girl you were seeing? I doubt you met her on the way down," Arthur said, smiling at his own wit.

Merlin swallowed again and stepped back, away from the table like servants were supposed to. He glanced at Gwen once more and she raised her eyebrows as if interested.

"Yes, Merlin, do tell," she said innocently.

Merlin knew he had no choice. His throat constricted. "We met in the lower town," he said at last and his mind flashed back to the night when he had first seen her, curled up in the furthest corner of the bounty hunter's cage, her dress torn and ripped to shreds. "She was cold and so I gave her my jacket."

Well, it was only a small lie. She _had_ been cold; goosebumps had covered her arms and great shivers wracked her body. He just hadn't given her his jacket, he'd set her free instead.

Gwen's eyebrows were raised for an entirely different reason now and Arthur's mouth had all but fallen open. The former simply because she knew Merlin hadn't been to see anyone and the latter merely because he hadn't thought for a moment that Merlin was actually capable of wooing a girl.

"What is she like? Do I know her?" Arthur asked.

Merlin shook his head. "No, you've never met. She doesn't come from around here." He remembered once more a tale of a young, forceful man, his mother who was a witch and a poor defenceless girl. "She's beautiful," he whispered. "She's almost as tall as me, even when she's barefoot. Her hair is long and dark. When she smiles, it lights up the whole room."

Arthur's face softened. "Do you love her?"

"Yes. More than anything."

Merlin looked away to hide the tears in his eyes. These memories… they were overwhelming. The last time he had seen her had been at least four years ago and it felt like so much more. Seeing her face in the water flowing from the broken vial had given him the hope and strength to take back Camelot. For a brief moment, he had been truly happy, but then she had disappeared and it had been like losing her all over again. For weeks after, he had felt like he'd been sucker punched, still trying to regain his breath.

Arthur smiled and took a sip of wine. "She sound wonderful," he said sincerely. "I'm happy for you, my friend."

Merlin tried to smile back, and although he was sure that he had failed miserably, Arthur didn't call him out on it. His shoulders slumped slightly in relief, but then Arthur opened his mouth again.

"When do we get to meet her?"

"What?" Merlin cried. "No - why would you want to meet her?"

Arthur looked at him incredulously. "Oh, I don't know Merlin, why would _I _want to meet your lover?"

"I don't know! Why would you?" Merlin yelped.

Silence echoed through the room. Arthur and Merlin stared at each other. Merlin looked away first.

"You can't meet her," he said quietly, so quiet that he had to look up just to make sure Arthur had heard.

"And why is that?"

Merlin bit his tongue for a moment, swallowed once more and finally found it in himself to answer. "She's dead," he choked.

And with that single confession, the dam broke completely. An onslaught of memories hit him all at once and he staggered backwards until he hit the wall. Freya, fearful and insecure, asking him why he was helping her. Freya, eyes lighting up under the soft glow of the dancing candles. Freya, wearing Morgana's dress, looking as beautiful as any court noble.

It had to end, Merlin thought bitterly. Why couldn't anything in his life go right?

Freya in her animal form, limping away with a wound that was surely fatal. Freya, bleeding out on the stone floor, staining her new dress to a new colour. Freya, in his arms as he ran and ran, whispering and shouting every spell that he knew which might help.

None of them had worked. _Why?_ He had screamed to the forest as he passed, simply a blur to anyone who was watching.

By the lake, Freya in his arms, barely conscious, barely alive, looking into his eyes with something much deeper than Merlin would ever be able to explain.

By the lake, Freya dead, crying into her shoulder.

"Oh god," he heard Arthur say distantly. "Merlin, I'm sorry."

Merlin knew what Arthur was thinking; what if Gwen was in Freya's place? What if it was Gwen who was dead and Freya standing at Merlin's side? For a moment, he allowed himself to imagine it, then felt guilty straight away. Even if there had been a choice, how could he have-

No. Merlin refused to think like that. The past was the past and there was nothing he could do to change that.

Arthur was suddenly by his side, crouched down beside him and belatedly, Merlin realised he was sitting on the floor. Tears were running down his face and oh god, it was almost as bad as it was the first time around.

At least this time, Gaius hadn't just betrayed him and Arthur hadn't just struck that fatal blow, and oh god oh god oh god, what if Arthur ever found out he was the reason Freya was dead? Merlin swallowed and hiccupped at the same time. He resolved never to let Arthur know.

"Merlin? Merlin, are you okay?"

Merlin wiped some tears away roughly with one hand. "Yeah."

He tried to stand up again but Arthur's hand stopped him. "No," the older man said. "You're not to move."

"Should I get Gaius?" Gwen asked, her voice full of fake concern.

"Yes," Arthur replied quickly as if Merlin couldn't hear. "Quickly. Oh god, Merlin, I'm so sorry."

"S'not your fault," Merlin said even though it damn well was. No, he reminded himself, you're not going to tell him - he will never know.

Arthur sat down properly, back against the wall, just like Merlin was so that they were shoulder to shoulder. For a while, they didn't speak. Merlin simply tried to regain his composure, wiping the tears away as fast as they came, trying to block the memories of roses and strawberries.

"What was her name?" Arthur asked when the silence had gone on for too long.

"Freya," Merlin whispered. "Her name was Freya. I was visiting her grave."

"Freya," Arthur mused. "If she was even half as lovely as you say, then I'm sure she was amazing."

"Lovely? Freya was more than lovely. She was the kindest, sweetest person I've ever met and she didn't even know it." Merlin smiled wistfully. "When I tried to help her, she was too busying wondering why I was even making the effort that she hardly realised what we were doing."

"I would have loved to meet her."

No you wouldn't, Merlin thought but he didn't say anything. Arthur didn't need to know that Freya was a druid either. "We were going to run away together," he said.

"What?!" Arthur exclaimed, his head snapping around to look at Merlin.

"We were going to go somewhere far away, somewhere with a lake in a forest surrounded by mountains. With strawberries."

Arthur visibly swallowed his surprise down. "What happened?" he asked in a controlled voice.

"She died."

_oh god, Freya, please no_

"_I'm sorry."_

"_You already saved me."_

_dead_

_whywhywhy_

Merlin snapped back to the present, to Arthur's unreadable face. "I tried to save her. I did everything I could but nothing worked. It was - she was in my arms, Arthur, bleeding to her death and there was _nothing_ I could do. I watched her die."

"Gods Merlin, I'm sorry."

Then there was a scuffle as they were both moving and suddenly they were hugging, Merlin's forehead pressed against Arthur's shoulder. He didn't pause to think that this was probably the most contact he'd ever had with Arthur while conscious. He didn't stop to think about how this was probably the first time they'd ever hugged.

He didn't think at all.

"When did it happen?" Arthur said softly, his breath disturbing Merlin's hair.

"Over seven years ago. It still feels like yesterday."

"But - that was while you were living here, in Camelot. Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"It was just before the dragon attack, Arthur, there was no time. So many people were injured and dying all the time, what was my loss compared to all that?"

Merlin saw Arthur's mind begin to work harder, saw the pieces click into place.

"That's why you were acting so upset - and why you were missing all the time. And Morgana's dress!" Arthur laughed. "It was for Freya, wasn't it."

"Yes."

"You should have told me, Merlin. You're my friend. I could have helped." Arthur sighed and wearily rubbed his face. "Merlin, you're not alone. Me, Gwen, we're both here for you, always. We'll do whatever we can to help you."

Merlin forced himself not to flinch at Gwen's name. Arthur didn't know. Arthur couldn't know because the knowledge would kill him. Morgana and Agravaine had seen to that. He pulled himself away from Arthur and leant against the wall once more. "I know," he said at last.

"Good." Arthur looked at him. "Do I have to cheer you up?"

"If it involves any punching or grabbing me around the neck, then no," Merlin retorted quickly. "See? I'm smiling."

"Hmm."

"Anyway. I should get going. I have chores to do." Merlin sprung to his feet and wiped his face of all moisture.

"Wait!" Arthur pushed himself up. "You're upset. You should be resting, not working."

"No, there are some things I need to do. Although, if you're really concerned about me, you could give me the day off tomorrow."

"Sure, if I wanted you in the tavern. You're to be at my chambers tomorrow morning… at the ninth bell."

Merlin let a quick smile flash across his face, one of his fake ones he reserved for occasions like this where he had to convince everyone that he was fine. "Thank you."

"Yes, well, can't have my servant fainting on me again," Arthur said quickly.

"Of course not."

Merlin bowed mockingly and saw Arthur visibly repress the urge to throw something at him. He sent a cheeky grin at his master then all but ran out of the room. After all, Arthur didn't have _that_ much self control.

He was a bit subdued as he made his way back to Gaius's chambers, but then, Gwen was still on the loose with murderous intentions towards Arthur and Daegal had just died. However, there was now a light in his eyes that hadn't been there for a long time. Hope. Hope that some day, his destiny might just come true. Hope that some day, Arthur would know the truth.

It was a small step, but it was a step nonetheless and that was all Merlin needed. After all, he needed big steps to cope with his destiny, he would have given up long ago.

Maybe, he thought to himself, his pace picking up with a small seed of happiness, maybe Arthur was ready now.

Nah. When the prat learnt to dress himself, he might believe it. But for now all he had to do was wait.


End file.
